Change

First, I promise not every blog is going to have it’s roots in becoming a widow. However, that seems to have an effect on all that I do and decide these days. Thinking about what I wanted to say this morning, I looked back at the last 44 days – and realized that actually this new path started a bit earlier. I lost Mike to his eternal home in Heaven on February 10. But this journey into being on my own really started at 3:45 AM on January 23 when he looked at me in fear and pain – unable to catch his breath – and said that word that seemed to change the rest of our lives. “Ambulance.” He was fully aware and fully conscious, but limited in speech as his lungs struggled. We looked at each other, knowing and yet not knowing, that this time was different. I was kneeling next to him, willing his rapid, shallow breathing to slow and deepen. I swallowed hard, took a deep breath and, with what I hoped was a calm voice, talked him (quickly) through what that meant – not KU – closest trauma center – new doctors. He nodded. I made the call while I helped him into the living room. I went out to turn off the truck that I had started a few minutes earlier and could heard the sirens. We’re just over a mile from the fire station and they were here in under 5 minutes.

From that moment, until 10:18pm on February 10, I spent most of my time in “Caretaker Mode” rather than “wife.” When you’re caretaker, you can’t let down your guard. Ever. There were moments when I could just sit next to him, holding his hand or whatever I could reach through bed rails, ventilator tubes, IV’s, etc., but mostly I was keeping notes, verifying medicines, listening to doctors, repeating his medical information over and over. But that is another blog for another day.

And so this new journey began. Amid the changes at home, there were changes at work. For me, the timing for new responsibilities, protocols and procedures could have been better – but those changes had been in motion for months and couldn’t stop for what was happening in my personal life, no matter how devastating it was.

By the first week of March, home was settling into a comfortable, do-able routine. Work had settled into a steady pace. I’m no longer overwhelmed with long task lists – there seems to be a good flow. Our youngest girl’s wedding was coming up. I wanted desperately to be a part of the planning and preparation for my girl’s big day – but in her efforts to not add to my plate, out of love, she barred me from helping and being involved in the preparation. I wasn’t needed at a time when I really needed to be needed. God saw it differently. I had, however, planned some vacation time around the 3/21 wedding so that Mike & I could be available to help with last minute details. That was huge on our part, because for the last several years, vacation time was saved for hospital stays and doctor visits. Giving up a few days vacation in March was big for us! We wondered if I would regret using those days so early in the year. Now I know I won’t.

And then….coronavirus! What?? On Monday 3/16, the first calls for social distancing changed the wedding plans. The venue was graciously flexible in allowing the reception to move to July 3. The ceremony was still on for 3/21 – but the guest list had to shrink to under 50. With a big family, that took it to bridal party (except those traveling in by air) parents, siblings. Reluctantly, we had to start e-mailing, texting, facebooking to spread the word. By Friday, we had come to grips with a smaller ceremony. Hard conversations with aunts and uncles. With grandparents. With close friends. And then the Governor announced a ban on groups over 10 and more social distancing. Bride and groom, officiant, photographer and 5 parents made up the under-10. More tough conversations with a 3-year old ring bearer. With sisters. Suddenly, I was needed again – and I enjoyed the role of Mother-of-the-bride – helping her with dress and veil and holding her bouquet, fixing her train – I got to be important again for a few moments!

So what is the point of all of this nattering about life changes? If you know me at all, you know that in my day-to-day I rely on Bible study and prayer to guide me. And, indeed, through everything, God is faithful. Losing my spouse, career changes, feeling inadequate, schedule adjustments, pandemics, working in essential business, shelter-in-place. Nothing that has happened in my life (or yours) in the past 8 weeks has been a surprise to Him. Not. One. Thing. And not one thing that has happened has been bigger than He is. Nor stronger. Nor longer-lasting. Not. One. Thing.

My current study is in Psalms. This mornings reading included this nugget of truth in Psalm 54:4 “Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.” I am a strong woman. I am strong because the Lord sustains me. I know where my power comes from. In Joshua 1:9, we are literally commanded to be strong in our Lord! “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

He promises abundance in Isaiah 58:11: “The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” Some days I feel more drowned than well-watered – but that’s only because I try to take on more than He planned. Resting in him – oh, my – are we back to that?? Stillness in motion….yes, we’re back to that. Being strong comes from being still. Being courageous comes from being quiet. Being comes from faith. What is changing in your life? Home schooling? Working from home? Unemployed? Whatever it is, I can promise you that God is bigger. And stronger. And longer-lasting. And is not surprised. Not. One. Bit.