Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
Philippians 4:6 NLT

It’s about 90 minutes before day breaks. The newscast this morning is coronavirus broken up with weather and traffic blurbs. I turn it off.

“Why all this fear and tension, Lord?”

A quote from The Bible App (Rescue: Finding God in Life’s Challenges by Grace Hill Media) relays that the roots of fear are in a lack of information and a lack of perspective. God is omniscient (all-knowing) and omnipresent (ever-present) in His perfection. Since He knows all and has complete perspective, He is able to cast out fear. As believers and students of His Word, most of us believe that in our hearts, but have difficulty letting our brains release the fear.

Yesterday, one of our senior regional managers sent out a video of a pulmonary doctor from New York explaining coronavirus, how it’s spread (and how it is NOT spread), what it does (and what it does NOT do), how to prevent exposure and what to do if you are exposed. I shared it with some of our staff members – one of whom has a niece who is an infectious disease doctor and has worked for the CDC – who confirmed everything the NY pulmonologist related. Facts. Information. Truth. Common Sense. Quite honestly, at this point, coronavirus does not frighten me. Knowing how to not get it (Stay home. If you do have to go out, don’t touch people. Wash your hands if you do. Wash your hands when you touch things. Don’t touch your face. And don’t panic.) I am certainly concerned for anyone who has the disease. I pray healing for those afflicted and those exposed. Mike’s 93 year old aunt is in a hospital in Shawnee and has tested positive. However, her symptoms so far are quite mild and it sounds as though antibiotics will do their work in her. Having factual information and the perspective of these doctors who are treating the virus, who have studied the disease and it’s progression, releases my fears about the virus.

In the quiet, I hear birds singing. Yes, the birds are still singing, the squirrels still playing in the trees, daffodils and tulips are still blooming. Spring has arrived and getting bolder in her new colors every day. Proof all around us that God is on His throne. But I still feel sad, Lord! Why do I still feel this heaviness? I think about Brian English’s video last night and the fear he admits feeling for his safety and for his family – and his encouragement to “Stop, Listen, Relate….before you Communicate.”

And it hits me. I’m afraid of fear. I’ve been given the information and the perspective to calm my fear about coronovirus. I know the virus is real, but I also know it is limited. I have Scripture that tells me not to be afraid. I have the experience to know that God has never let me down. He is my strength. He is my rock. He is my power. However, watching newscasts, getting on social media to watch the Maywood videos, being at work – I see and hear fear. And that scares me. The “every-man-for-himself” attitude. The world scares me.

Daylight is breaking now. The sky to the east is a soft shade of pink under the clouds on the horizon. A reminder that in the harshness of this world, we can always rely on the gentleness of God’s comfort. He has conquered the world. He softly whispers “Do not be afraid, my child! I AM. Trust in me.” Yes, Lord. Thank you, Jesus.

First, I promise not every blog is going to have it’s roots in becoming a widow. However, that seems to have an effect on all that I do and decide these days. Thinking about what I wanted to say this morning, I looked back at the last 44 days – and realized that actually this new path started a bit earlier. I lost Mike to his eternal home in Heaven on February 10. But this journey into being on my own really started at 3:45 AM on January 23 when he looked at me in fear and pain – unable to catch his breath – and said that word that seemed to change the rest of our lives. “Ambulance.” He was fully aware and fully conscious, but limited in speech as his lungs struggled. We looked at each other, knowing and yet not knowing, that this time was different. I was kneeling next to him, willing his rapid, shallow breathing to slow and deepen. I swallowed hard, took a deep breath and, with what I hoped was a calm voice, talked him (quickly) through what that meant – not KU – closest trauma center – new doctors. He nodded. I made the call while I helped him into the living room. I went out to turn off the truck that I had started a few minutes earlier and could heard the sirens. We’re just over a mile from the fire station and they were here in under 5 minutes.

From that moment, until 10:18pm on February 10, I spent most of my time in “Caretaker Mode” rather than “wife.” When you’re caretaker, you can’t let down your guard. Ever. There were moments when I could just sit next to him, holding his hand or whatever I could reach through bed rails, ventilator tubes, IV’s, etc., but mostly I was keeping notes, verifying medicines, listening to doctors, repeating his medical information over and over. But that is another blog for another day.

And so this new journey began. Amid the changes at home, there were changes at work. For me, the timing for new responsibilities, protocols and procedures could have been better – but those changes had been in motion for months and couldn’t stop for what was happening in my personal life, no matter how devastating it was.

By the first week of March, home was settling into a comfortable, do-able routine. Work had settled into a steady pace. I’m no longer overwhelmed with long task lists – there seems to be a good flow. Our youngest girl’s wedding was coming up. I wanted desperately to be a part of the planning and preparation for my girl’s big day – but in her efforts to not add to my plate, out of love, she barred me from helping and being involved in the preparation. I wasn’t needed at a time when I really needed to be needed. God saw it differently. I had, however, planned some vacation time around the 3/21 wedding so that Mike & I could be available to help with last minute details. That was huge on our part, because for the last several years, vacation time was saved for hospital stays and doctor visits. Giving up a few days vacation in March was big for us! We wondered if I would regret using those days so early in the year. Now I know I won’t.

And then….coronavirus! What?? On Monday 3/16, the first calls for social distancing changed the wedding plans. The venue was graciously flexible in allowing the reception to move to July 3. The ceremony was still on for 3/21 – but the guest list had to shrink to under 50. With a big family, that took it to bridal party (except those traveling in by air) parents, siblings. Reluctantly, we had to start e-mailing, texting, facebooking to spread the word. By Friday, we had come to grips with a smaller ceremony. Hard conversations with aunts and uncles. With grandparents. With close friends. And then the Governor announced a ban on groups over 10 and more social distancing. Bride and groom, officiant, photographer and 5 parents made up the under-10. More tough conversations with a 3-year old ring bearer. With sisters. Suddenly, I was needed again – and I enjoyed the role of Mother-of-the-bride – helping her with dress and veil and holding her bouquet, fixing her train – I got to be important again for a few moments!

So what is the point of all of this nattering about life changes? If you know me at all, you know that in my day-to-day I rely on Bible study and prayer to guide me. And, indeed, through everything, God is faithful. Losing my spouse, career changes, feeling inadequate, schedule adjustments, pandemics, working in essential business, shelter-in-place. Nothing that has happened in my life (or yours) in the past 8 weeks has been a surprise to Him. Not. One. Thing. And not one thing that has happened has been bigger than He is. Nor stronger. Nor longer-lasting. Not. One. Thing.

My current study is in Psalms. This mornings reading included this nugget of truth in Psalm 54:4 “Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.” I am a strong woman. I am strong because the Lord sustains me. I know where my power comes from. In Joshua 1:9, we are literally commanded to be strong in our Lord! “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

He promises abundance in Isaiah 58:11: “The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” Some days I feel more drowned than well-watered – but that’s only because I try to take on more than He planned. Resting in him – oh, my – are we back to that?? Stillness in motion….yes, we’re back to that. Being strong comes from being still. Being courageous comes from being quiet. Being comes from faith. What is changing in your life? Home schooling? Working from home? Unemployed? Whatever it is, I can promise you that God is bigger. And stronger. And longer-lasting. And is not surprised. Not. One. Bit.

This little girl is getting married today. At 4, she is way too young. But she isn’t that shy little girl anymore. If you know her, you laugh at that adjective! However, she was “mama’s girl.” It seemed she was permanently attached to my left knee…I can still feel her little hand hanging on as she hid behind me!

But – she’s a 30-something, independent, fierce, confident, bold young woman who has navigated life’s obstacles, disappointments and setbacks with determination and success on her mind. She is driven, stubborn and unyielding. She is also compassionate, generous and loves whole-heartedly.

Not just any man can measure up to her standards. I am thankful that she waited for the guy who cherishes her, challenges her, and chastens her when needed!

Max, you are the one I trust with my girl’s heart. She is safe with you. Your character mirrors hers and together you are beautiful to watch. You are the man I’ve prayed for her to find for many years.

Layne and Max, you will continue your journey this afternoon in front of only parents, rather than 200 planned guests thanks to Covid19 “under 10.” I know this won’t slow your journey. The two of you have adapted well to the unexpected over the past few years. I look forward to watching you grow together and seeing you build your own family.

Love you both!

Friday, March 20. Tomorrow my youngest daughter gets married. In the middle of Covid19 crises, she and her beloved, Max, will not have the wedding of their dreams that they planned. Through a mutual decision with their venue, the marriage ceremony will take place in an intimate setting with immediate family and a partial bridal party (airline travelers are staying home.) The reception and catering have been postponed until July. There is no need for a rehearsal dinner, and the space that was reserved for that has cancelled all events anyway. Max and Layne have adusted well to the restrictions that have changed repeatedly this week and are moving forward in their life together in spite of the obstacles that are being thrown in their way.

It is difficult to have to make these adjustments, but in some ways, a smaller, more intimate ceremony will be a welcome respite in the middle of all this fear. Without 200 guests vying for their attention, Layne & Max may enjoy their day in a more relaxed state of mind. The important part is that they will become Mr & Mrs Bethel at 5 tomorrow afternoon. I look forward to it.

Covid19 has certainly impacted my life and the life of my family. To help with wedding details, I had scheduled some time off around the wedding. My time has not been needed, so instead, I’m working here at home cleaning and sorting. I spent time in the garage yesterday and am overwhelmed at the prospect of a much-needed deep cleaning in there. I put it off for a longer stretch of good weather because it’s going to be a multi-day project. Today, I begin to tackle the basement. Wish me luck!

Another way this virus has deeply affected me is in the closing of our church building. I realize that “church” is the people, not the building. But discouraging us from meeting together is a difficult thing. In speaking with some women from our Wednesday night group; an unemployed waitress, a busy mom still employed for the moment, my daughter (a stay-at-home mom, whose main source of adult interaction is Wednesday night Bible study) and my dad who lives alone and looks forward to Sunday mornings as a refreshment for his soul, I find that I’m not alone in feeling concern over a life that doesn’t include meeting together. I set about this morning seeking scripture to give me peace about this. And I am drawn to Hebrews 10:25 – “Let us not abandon meeting together….” or Acts 2:42 “Day by day attending temple together and breaking bread in their homes…” Luke 4:16 speaking of Jesus “…as was his custom, he went to the synagogue on the Sabbath day….”

Okay – I’m not getting much comfort there! Let me read through some study notes. Here’s a section on knowing the will of God! This will surely help —

Question 1 “Does this line up with Scripture?” Hmm….well, no, I tried that….

Question 2 “Have you considered the facts?” I think so – the facts are that there is a virus in our world and there is fear over this virus as there is no cure for it and it has the capacity to kill our weak and elderly. Our local government has requested that we have no public gatherings for 8 weeks, exempting schools, churches and businesses. The idea of “thinning the herd” leads me to believe this is not from God – but is our enemy causing havoc. The facts are that we need to be careful with personal interaction and sensitive to what our government is saying and to the dangers this poses to so many.

Question 3 “Will this decision lead me or others to go backwards spiritually?” And there it is. Now I’m stymied. Because that answer appears to be a resounding “yes!”

Nothing I say here, no scripture I find, no amount of pleading or justifying is going to change the reality that Maywood Baptist has locked it’s doors. To accept and deal with that, I do what I’ve always done in times of struggle and confusion – I turn to God. More prayer. I fully intended to write a blog yesterday morning – but instead I spent more time reading the Bible. More time praying. More time asking “why?” God is so faithful to answer us – to show us His way. Psalm 23:1 “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want…” Psalm 46 “God is our refuge and strength – an ever-present help in times of trouble….” Proverbs 18:10 “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe. Nehemiah 8:10 “….the joy of the Lord is your strength…” Philippians 4:13, Isaiah 41:10, Deuteronomy 31:6. So I pray and I keep reading. I sing. I awoke this morning with the song lyrics from “Holy Water” running through my mind. I love it when God does that – having worship first. “Your forgiveness is like sweet, sweet honey on my lips. The sound of a symphony to my ears. Like holy water on my skin.” And I come to the realization that especially in this unprecedented time, our only source of comfort is through a relationship with the One True God. His Holy Spirit gives us peace, comfort, joy, strength. He has everything we need. Always..

Covid19 can go away any day now. It has brought out the worst in many with hoarding and selfishness. But it has also brought out the grace in people. Caring for others. Reaching out to neighbors. Moms & Dads teaching their children. Families taking walks together. Donating food to those unemployed and in need. And it has given many of us opportunity to be still and know God. It’s all perspective – do we panic or do we pray?