Isaiah 40:29-31
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
As the calendar closes in on the 6th month marking the date of Mike’s passing, I’ve been learning more and more about this grief process. I don’t know how much of what I’ve experienced is magnified by pandemic or the state of crisis in our country over protests, violence and political upheaval. Often, I feel like there isn’t much kindness left in people. Corona Virus has seemed to give many a convenient excuse to be rude, shirk responsibility and ignore basic human decency.
On the flip side, pandemic isolation has clearly given me a small group of people whom I know I can rely on. It has strengthened some relationships and pointed out major flaws in others. I’ve been let down by those I thought would be helpful and surprised by aid from unexpected sources. Mostly, I’ve been reminded of how my Jesus sustains me, comforts me and brings me peace.
I feel like I’ve started this blog from a rather cynical viewpoint – although I do think it accurately reflects where I am on this grief journey.
I spent a great deal of time this spring cleaning, sorting and preparing for a sale to pare down the massive amount of “extra” we had accumulated. The sale was draining, both emotionally and physically. I’m glad it is mostly behind me. I’ve delivered 3 pick-up loads to the Salvation Army and the remains in the garage that I (incorrectly!) felt certain would sell online will fill the truck bed again.
I’ve attempted to keep up with household chores, car repairs, yard work….the basics of “adulting.” Recently, results of tasks un-done have come to light. Little things that Mike always handled have now become bigger projects. While my days with him were focused on working full-time, monitoring his health, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning house and keeping an organized calendar, he was quietly taking care of us and our home. While he didn’t mow grass or pull weeds in the flower beds, he did keep the grass from growing in cracks in the driveway. He maintained the unseen 3’ strip of land to the east of our garage – only visible to the neighbor who recently registered a complaint with me over the knee high weeds. He built a water fountain a couple of summers ago and cleaned it on a regular basis – a task I forgot about until I noticed algae growing even though the fountain was on. He always checked downspouts before we got rain in the basement — I waited too long on that task as well. Sharpening my shovel for me, the lawn mower blade, monitoring the oil change schedule, cleaning and deodorizing the trash bin – only a few of the many things he did for us.
Losing Mike left many predictable emotional gaps in my daily life. There was much we did together that I’ve had to adjust to doing alone. And now, I’m finding the many little things he took care of without fanfare, without the need for applause or recognition. There have also been a few things along the way I thought he had handled but he hadn’t – either he forgot or he just wasn’t physically up to it and didn’t want to admit it. Rachael, Dawn and I have a whole new meaning when we say “Oh, MG!” Sometimes it’s exasperation or desperation, sometimes awe and often laughter as we miss his playfulness the most.
Perhaps it is the pressure of adapting to life without him, or the responsibilities of owning and maintaining a 110 year old house, unrelenting work pressures, or just the ridiculous heat and humidity of June & July that have left me feeling overwhelmed and unqualified to be living on my own. The last few weeks have been some of the most difficult and unsettling since this new life journey started.
I began this blog with Isaiah’s words of encouragement. Chapter 40, verse 31 is well-known and oft quoted “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” I have also found comfort in the verses preceding it – especially in verse 29 “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.” I’ve certainly been weary of late and have relied on His strength. I have felt weak and He has given me power.
But most recently, I have been burdened. Weighed down with being alone. Burdened by pandemic, oppressive newscasts full of violence and hate. Laden with decisions to make. I’ve been advised not to make major decisions for at least a year – but am faced with choices that have to be made now. I don’t have the privilege of time. Fear and anxiety over making the wrong choice or a hasty decision plague me.
Oppressive…right? Fortunately, my blog doesn’t have to end here. Over the past two weeks, I’ve prayed and sought guidance. I’ve asked for grace to accept situations that I cannot control. To be openhearted and forgiving towards those who have been unintentionally or intentionally hurtful. And I’ve waited. I’ve waited for clarity. I’ve waited for strength. For courage. For the burdens to be lifted, shared.
I follow a blog written by friend and former pastor: https://real-voices.com/ He has been taking his readers through the gospel of Matthew. As I read ahead last week, I came to Matthew 11:28-30: 28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
And there it is. The Relief I’ve been waiting for. I knew He was there all along. And I’ve known His strength and His peace have been with me every step of life…..even before this particular turn. It was reading those verses that allowed me to see that I was praying for what I already had. I was asking and waiting for an answer…but the answer was already here. One by one, I’ve shifted these burdens to Jesus. He asked me to do so. He said he’ll handle it. He won’t drop the ball. He won’t procrastinate. He won’t forget to call. He won’t ignore me. He won’t judge me. He won’t let me down.
My decisions still have to be made. Answers are becoming clearer as I wait on Him for knowledge and understanding. I’m not necessarily liking some of the outcomes, but I do have confidence that His plan is best and there will be something better for me down the road as I let go of the familiar.
I don’t know what you might be facing in your life today – and am not sure why you happened to read this blog. What I do know, and what I have experienced is that whining about what life throws at me tends to make me appear foolish and weak. If I’m going to whine and complain, it needs to be with the One who can make a difference. And I’d best be careful calling out my woes publicly because right next to me is going to be someone with very real struggles that are very much worse than my own – which only serves to highlight my self-centered nature and makes me look small.
It is difficult to open my heart and admit my fears – it is encouraging however, to see and hear how God can use my heart and my experience to touch others. I’m just a girl who loves a God who has all power, knowledge, wisdom and strength. Who loves me in spite of (and perhaps because of) my frailty. I am encouraged and strengthened by His Word and His promises. As life changes, His Word never does. As people disappoint, He never fails.
Isaiah 64:4
For since the world began,
no ear has heard
and no eye has seen a God like you,
who works for those who wait for him!
Be Still In Motion 